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Welcome to Orsm.net. Haha that's so funny the last time I heard that joke I fell off my dinosaur.
Where to start, where to start. So much to get through today it's ridiculous. Let's do it this way - the most interesting thing to happen this week/month is that Orsm celebrates ten [fucking long] years on the web. The least interesting thing to happen is my joy associated with finding a spare light globe in a cupboard to replace the toilet light which blew over a week ago. Little victories... they're what I'm all about.
Moving on. I find it absurd that almost two weeks after Australians voted in the Federal election there is still no clear winner. If you don't live here or haven't been paying attention, after all votes were counted, neither of the major parties won enough seats to form a government. The onus then falls to several independents not affiliated with any party to choose a side therefore allowing a government to be formed. In the meantime the independents who won seats are being furiously courted to find out what it'll take to get their support and break the deadlock. This is where the absurdity comes into it - three or four people essentially have all the power which in some ways makes it feel like voters shouldn't have wasted their time voting.
Okay now I'll switch things back to me and my exciting life continuing with part two of my road trip... admittedly it's probably more interesting to me than anyone else but you guys this because it beats having to think up something blog-worthy...
So starting where I left off - Albany. This is my third time there and it keeps growing on me. Albany is big enough that there's always something to do but not so big you don't feel like you're on a holiday. Anyway I kicked off my Sunday with a very long stroll along the coast. Nothing I can't do at home but it's not often you see whales basking just offshore. Spent the rest of the day traversing up and down the coastline before heading back to the beach at sunset to see two more pods of whales. Quite incredible that locals have that on their doorstep. The whales are probably happy the whaling station is no longer operating too...
Departed westward the following day for the tiny town of Pemberton. This drive is probably my favourite stretch of road anywhere - so many sights to see and take in that it's impossible to cover everything in a day although I tried. First was a stop in Denmark for a pie, raided a Toffee Factory, explored some of the incredible beaches, did the Valley of the Giants Treetop Walk which is a scary-as-fuck 40metre high structure weaving through the forest, Hilltop Drive and Circular Pool in Walpole before rolling into town around 5pm. Such an awesome day.
I drove through 'Pemby' last year and loved it so added a one night stop to poke around. Didn't disappoint either. Only had half a day to cover everything which was nowhere long enough but still managed to squeeze in the Big Brook Dam, 70 metre tall Glouscter Tree [which I chose NOT to climb], checked out but didn't ride the railway, quick segue out to a town called Northcliffe and back to Pemby to go fishing. Basically a trout farm where you hire tackle, head down to the pond and go hard. Ended up catching five in no time. Once you're done they either clean the fish so you can take home or cook so you can eat there. Very cool.
The next five days were spent in and around Dunsborough. Managed to squeeze a lot in including Gracetown where the surfer was taken by a shark the day previous, Augusta and Bornaup Forest. Also took some time to just sit on my butt and just relax which I really hadn't done the entire trip. Friends drove down on the Thursday to meet me which turned out to be a lot of fun. We hit a few restaurants, breweries, wineries, cheese and chocolate factories and another major highlight, got a winery tour by the head winemaker. Fascinating. We spent the Saturday night getting drunk and watching the election coverage. Good way to chillout before the [short?] 250km drive home the next day.
All up one of, if not, the best holidays I've ever had. Here's the route if you're interested. This actually brings me to something that's been annoying me. I could name probably 100 people [friends/family/acquaintances/cohorts] who have been, are in or are going to Bali this year. Following the terrorism mess there in years gone by it is ultra cheap so West Aussies are flocking there en masse. Seems ridiculous when you consider how much awesomeness we have in our own backyard. Note to all: visit Australia.
Okay enough of that. Time to get started with the update and let me say right now it is a fucking cracker [ie. good!]. I really haven't had the time to plan anything special to mark the Orsm 10th anniversary so I've made everything fatter, bigger and larger. Go forth and enjoy. Check it...
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
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Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
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I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up! Some of us have a home to go to".
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Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was totally excited when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father's day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started...
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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him "I wish I had your fucking will power".
ORSM
VIDEO
So, the Muslim investors championing the construction of the new mosque near Ground Zero claim it's all about strengthening the relationship between the Muslim and non-Muslim world.
As an American, I believe they have every right to build the mosque - after all, if they buy the land and they follow the law - who can stop them? Which is why, in the spirit of outreach, I've decided to do the same thing.
I'm announcing tonight, that I am planning to build and open the first gay bar that caters not only to the west, but also Islamic gay men. To best express my sincere desire for dialogue, the bar will be situated next to the mosque Park51, in an available commercial space.
This is not a joke. I've already spoken to a number of investors, who have pledged their support in this bipartisan bid for understanding and tolerance.
As you know, the Muslim faith doesn't look kindly upon homosexuality, which is why I'm building this bar. It is an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world.
The goal, however, is not simply to open a typical gay bar, but one friendly to men of Islamic faith. An entire floor, for example, will feature non-alcoholic drinks, since booze is forbidden by the faith. The bar will be open all day and night, to accommodate men who would rather keep their sexuality under wraps - but still want to dance.
Bottom line: I hope that the mosque owners will be as open to the bar, as I am to the new mosque. After all, the belief driving them to open up their centre near Ground Zero is no different than mine. My place, however, will have better music.
| WESTERN AUSTRALIA by ORSM |
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
Then one day the local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice'."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead."
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour's dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed down to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem, the vet said "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"
"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?" "WELL" the vet replied... "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!"
| JENNIFER HAS PERFECT CANS |
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 CLK. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.
If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
| BEACH BOOBIES |
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How you doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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READER MAIL
Another massive mailbag this today as I try and get through all the submissions for the past few weeks. Some very cool stuff to keep you guys occupied for at least a little while too.
Cheers to everyone who has been busy bombarding me. I appreciate every single email no matter how many times I've seen it or how grossly offensive it is. Please don't stop there though - greed is my defining trait and as such I demand more! What do we want? What don't we want is probably easier so basically just avoid anything with cruelty and/or sex with kids and/or animals and you should be right. Got that? Great. Now send!
< with held> wrote:
Subject: Video of Stoning
Mate, I'm a member of the Australian Defence Forces, and have deployed to the Middle East several times, and I would gladly put myself in harms way again to protect the innocents in this conflict. This video is proof that what we are doing in Iraq and Afghanistan, fighting the Taliban, is just and right. Any belief system that condones this sort of shit is FUCKING EVIL and needs to be 'prosecuted with maximum prejudice'. I can't believe that the bleeding hearts and do gooders in this and other countries in the coalition, want our boys to come home, when these sorts of atrocities are being commited daily by a minority intent on subjugating their country men (and especially women) for political and personal gain. I personally know of similarly bloody minded crimes committed by the would be rulers of Afghanistan. I was deployed to an Airbase in Southern Afghanistan, and we had an Afghani contractor working for us, carting gravel. His annual income, before the war, was about $US500 per year. The NATO coalition payed him about $US500 per week to cart gravel, during the upgrade of airfield facilities. This poor man camped by the base during the week, and went home to his family on weekends. He went home one Friday night, Saturday being the Muslim sabbath, so we expected him back on the job on Sunday. He hadn't turned up by Monday, so the security forces went looking for him. He'd been dragged out of his truck on Friday night, 2KMs from the base and executed by the Taliban. Poor bastard was just trying to earn a living and support his family. That is the reason why those of us that have been there, would gladly go again, to try and give these people their basic human rights to live in peace and improve their lives. |
bernie wrote:
Subject: Burning down Australia by Labor???
The wanker that put this Power Point display on how fucked up Labor is has obviously forgotten where the so called $20 million came from?? His great mate John Howard, the mongrel who disarmed the nation with the Gun Buy Back scam, is the same cunt that sold as many of Australia's assets as he could to make him look better....on paper anyway! The reality of Politicians is simple, they are ONLY in it for the huge pay packets and NOT AT ALL FOR US. shoot them all I say! How about keeping political wank fests like his off ORSM in future eh? |
Craig wrote:
Subject: Re: stupid-customers-02
Question; Why was one charged $75, and the other $85? Was the extra 10 bucks to open the fridge and turn the shelf around? |
Tom wrote:
Subject: shame on you
Hi, I think your jokes about the floods in Pakistan are truly nauseating. How can you laugh about so much suffering. You must have a clump of ice in stead of a heart or else have a very small brain. Or both. What I wish for you is the capacity to recognize mistakes and to become a better person. Sincerally, tom
Off-colour, tongue in cheek and wrong is the way things are done around here. -Orsm
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Dylan wrote:
Subject: EATING FRUIT [INTERESTING READ]
The mystery of a detoxifying substance- we have a liver to do the job already. Seems to have worked fine for many thousands of years and we are all still here. "...you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it" - Huh?? Why? What? "Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer! (Fats) will line the intestine." I've seen the insides of many intestines and none of them were ever lined with fat. I don't suppose it is dangerous nonsense, but it is nonsense. |
John wrote:
Subject: fruit and cold water
Both the fruit on empty stomach and cold water "facts" are false. [See here and here] |
Lars wrote:
Subject: Bridges In China
Hi mr. Orsm, Great site you have - I'm a regular visitor since 2001. But you have an error on your "Bridges in China". The 1st is the Millau Bridge in France.
The 2nd is the Great Belt Bridge in Denmark (I live in Denmark, Europe :) ).
The 3rd is the Oresund Bridge in Denmark.
The 4th is the Great Belt Bridge in Denmark, again. The Island in the
front of the picure is Sprogø. In the old days (100 yrs ago) they kept
the "not so nice" girls their. I don't know if the other bridges are correct. |
Norman wrote:
Subject: Jason's emissions!
Never let the facts stand in the way of a good story! The CO2 saved by grounding European flights back in April/May more than offset the emissions from the volcano. Full story here. Great site. Keep up the good work. Cheers |
Paul wrote:
Subject: re: Emissions
Your contributor just quotes the work of one author/scientist who also happens to be the director of 3 mining companies (see Wikipedia article). Far from being a green - give me V8s anyday over a Prius - I was actually checking this guys facts as I would have loved it to be the case. Immediately came across this article here which I think you will agree kind of sits that other bit on it's arse. Bugger... Cheers |
Nathaniel wrote:
Subject: RE: Subject: SB 1070 Rally, Phoenix, 7-31-10
I live in AZ. I am no fan of illegal immigration, but I lying bitches are even worse. Those are not Mexicans or illegal immigrants. Those are native Americans. I can't tell what is written on the flags, but I would guess they are protesting something different. At any rate, those are U.S. Citizens, not illegals. Mexicans and Pima Indians look distinctly different if you spend enough time around them. Secondly, it is not illegal to desecrate the flag. This issue went to the supreme court 20 years ago, and they ruled that burning or otherwise desecrating the flag is protected under the right to free speech. |
Irish wrote:
Subject: picutre
This is my mate Kimbo getting fucked over by his opposite number in a Perth comp rugby game two weeks ago. Everybody thinks he is a cunt anyway so please post so everybody else can see him getting fucked.
For some reason reminds me of Conan the Barbarian pushing that spinny thing around... -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Beware Australia - You're Next
It's too late to save us in the UK. Thanks to the touchy feely 'musnt offend anyone' lefty liberals rolling out the welcome mat for every tossbag scrounger and their unlimited scumbag families we are well and truly fucked as a country. Or maybe that should be cuntry. The last thing we can do for the world is to serve as a terrible example of just how much Islam can fuck over and drag down a modern western nation. This pic gives you and idea about the mindset we have to deal with. Never give up fighting this sort of shit. |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Not My Mercedes thank God
In Warrigal Rd Moorabbin the other day and wondered what the noise was and it turns out the Mercedes was being reversed out and driven on the road with no tyre on the passenger side rear wheel. I hope the owner has the good taste to frequent your site. |
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joe wrote:
Subject: Spring
Spring is just around the corner...
How could I not post this? -Orsm
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Shaun wrote:
Subject: Great plate
G'day Orsm, A mate's girlfriend spotted this plate on the way to work this morning. Thought you'd like it for the website.
Took me a minute to work it out. Clever-Orsm
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martin wrote:
Subject: Welsh holiday a very old one
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us'. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr-Gurrr-King'. |
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Your Friend Ray wrote:
Subject: RIMJOB
my mate nat took this pic in Toowoomba Queensland :P
Urban Dictionary defines a rim job as "an instance in which the tongue is rubbed in a circular motion around someone else's sphincter". WHY would anyone would have that on their car!? -Orsm
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Monster Crab caught in Darwin (June 2010)
THIS slumbering walloper with claws the size of an adult fist was caught last week with some quick thinking, a gaff and an esky. |
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guyla wrote:
Subject: You named it what?
I giggle (just a little bit) every time I see this! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Good Safety Topic for all you Off-Roaders !
This happened in Saudi a few days ago. In areas where there is fresh water under ground the locals dig wells and support the sides with concrete and stones to keep the sand from falling back in to the well. Some of these are up to 100 meters deep. This particular one was 60 meters deep and 4 meters wide, located outside the small town of Ryad in the center of Saudi. The guys went out in the desert for a bit of 4X4 fun on a Thursday when one of them drove in to the well and dropped 60 meters to the bottom with his V8 Cruiser. Rescue workers retrieved the car and the driver had a mild concussion from hitting his head against the wind screen. Hard to believe he is alive. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics of Exes
Pics of a couple exes!! Keep my info private or these bitches be wildin!! 3 more emails to follow!
Couple of decent ones in there. -Orsm
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Auto Parts Art-Wow!
These items below were all fabricated from junked 1950 and 1960 automobile parts by a gentleman in Australia. This is the man that converts scrapped parts of cars into sculptures worth thousands of dollars. The 46-year-old Australian artist James Corbett, creates these sculptures using salvaged old car parts. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Baby koalas
THE NEW BABY. A Koala's progress
File this one under "Awww how cuuuute"... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nipples
You are the man!! been a massive fan of your site for 5 years! - here some skanky nipples for my first post on the best site ever!! - PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT DISPLAY MY DETAILS
Big. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: American Iron
Sure brings back some fond memories...
Fabulous Wheels! How about these car colors!
Will take the Series 62 Cadi please. -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS (ENGINEERING FEATS)
World's largest, biggest, costliest, highest etc... |
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HomoSam wrote:
Subject: Diving pics
Hey dude. Here are some pics from my recent dive trip to Vanuatu.
FYI these are from the same person who snapped the Chuuk pics shown last update. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures
I sent you pictures of my wife last week and got her to take some more. I hope you like them. Please keep my info private. Thank You |
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greg wrote:
Subject: Powercruise QLD Raceway 2010
Went to powercruise #25 at QLD Raceway today, hope you can use these pics on your site. |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Top Dad
What a wonderful father! You may be forgiven for thinking that any man would look proud after catching a large barracuda as he poses with the fish and his 14 year-old daughter at the marina afterwards. Then you may wonder why his daughter looks less than thrilled. 14 year old Coral Wira was sitting in a boat while her father fished. Suddenly she saw a silver flash in the air. The barracuda had thrown the hook and grabbed her arm. Father managed to kill the fish with a knife in the head. But Coral, needed 51 stitches. |
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| DARE DORM |
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|
ORSM
VIDEO
FUN WITH PUNS
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
-The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
-I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
-A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
| STEEL FIXING IN INDONESIA |
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|
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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful woman. That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to the woman and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
She batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk...?"
| KYLEE REESE |
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied. "But I didn't...!" exclaims the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
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A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.
So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing.
The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just got to know - how did you do that?" "Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him..."
ORSM
VIDEO
And that girls and boys is how you do an update. Hopefully you've enjoyed surfing it as much as I did hammering it altogether. Now to answer any questions you may have please read the following...
- Check out the site archives. Ten fucking years of updates to entertain you!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless something bad happens to me that is...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go back in time and wait for you... wait until you're walking home from school and then entice you into his van with either a "Do you want a lolly?" or "Can you help me find my dog?" ploy. The memories of what happened next will haunt you forever and you won't even know it was Ray until you read about it all these years later on Orsm...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and only three weeks until MY birthday so NOW would be a good time to start thinking of presents. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
